Yahoo Finance Are You a Victim of Gaslighting?
Have you ever been in a fight with a family member or significant other and had the other person categorically deny facts that you both know are true? Have you ever had a boss or colleague blame you so convincingly for something he or she did that you ended up doubting your memory? Or, when you've questioned someone about what he or she was doing in a particular instance, has the person turned around and accused you of being crazy, confused, overly sensitive or ... (fill in the insult)?
If so, you're no stranger to gaslighting: an insidious form of psychological manipulation that can be hard to recognize and even more difficult to deal with. The recent spate of sexual misconduct scandals, workplace bullying stories and conspiratorial political power plays that have been in the news has shed a bright light on gaslighting. However and wherever it happens, the goal of the perpetrator is to convince you that "you're misremembering, misunderstanding or misinterpreting your own behavior or motivations, thus creating doubt in your mind that leaves you vulnerable and confused," explains psychoanalyst Robin Stern, associate director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence and author of the book "The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life." "It's a way to destabilize the person."
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The term comes from the 1944 movie "Gaslight ," a mystery-thriller in which a man slowly tricks and manipulates his wife into believing she is losing her mind so that he can have her certified as insane and institutionalized. In real life, gaslighting can happen in any relationship. Sometimes it's unintentional -- perhaps reflecting someone's desire to deflect responsibility for a mistake or cover up something unsavory he or she is doing (like having an affair or abusing drugs). But some people engage in it intentionally and regularly -- and that's when it can have an especially toxic effect. Gaslighting is "an extremely dangerous form of emotional abuse because it undermines your self-confidence," notes psychologist Craig Malkin, a lecturer at Harvard Medical School and author of the book "Rethinking Narcissism: The Secret to Recognizing and Coping with Narcissists."
Who Does It and Why
Among those who are most likely to regularly engage in gaslighting are people who have a "Dark Tetrad" character, Malkin explains. This personality combination includes narcissism (an addiction to feeling special), psychopathy (a pattern of remorseless lies and master manipulation), sadism (intentionally causing harm or pain to others) and Machiavellianism (a practice of coldly and calculatingly manipulating people to get what you want).
"The more addicted to feeling special and flawless they are and the more they're confronted with information that challenges that, the more they'll start distorting reality," Malkin says. "If reality doesn't match their sense of how wonderful they are, they'll do things to make you feel like you're memory isn't correct."
"Ultimately people who engage in gaslighting behaviors seek power and control," notes Tony Ferretti, a licensed psychologist in Melbourne, Florida, and co-author of the book "The Love Fight." "Their emotional manipulation and gaslighting is an attempt to distract from their own deep insecurities."
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How It Harms -- and How to Handle It
Besides leading to self-doubt, being on the receiving end of gaslighting behavior can cause shame (that you're not remembering or doing things correctly), a feeling of emotional instability (because you don't know what to think, feel or believe) and feelings of helplessness, confusion or low self-esteem. "Gaslighting creates cognitive dissonance given the frequent mixed messages," Ferretti says. "Over time gaslighting can lead to depression, anxiety, anger, fear and significant insecurity."
So how can you tell if you've been a victim of gaslighting? The more extreme forms are "easy to spot because even if you're not sure of your memory, nobody who loves you will use that against you as an attack," Malkin says. "Anytime somebody tries to convince you they've cornered the market on truth, that's a sign because no one can be 100 percent certain of anything."
Other signs include: If the person's story keeps changing; you're frequently second-guessing yourself with him or her; you feel like something's very wrong in the relationship but you can't put your finger on what it is; you frequently think twice before broaching certain subjects with the person; or he or she makes you feel as if you're constantly messing up.
If you suspect you're being subjected to gaslighting, you'll want to take steps to deal with it effectively. In the moment when it happens, "don't engage in the debate," Malkin advises. Simply say, "I guess we just have different memories." If the person swings into attack mode and calls you crazy or otherwise insults you, Malkin suggests setting limits by saying, "It is not OK to talk to me like that, and I will not stay in a conversation where I'm being called names."
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In relationships where gaslighting is a regular occurrence, it can take a great deal of self-control to avoid arguing the point. "One of the things that keeps people in these relationships is an intense need to stay long enough to convert the other person to seeing your point of view," Stern says. But if you continuously jockey to get your position back, she warns, you can end up engaging in power struggles all the time. "In that moment, you cannot convince someone who's trying to gaslight you that he or she is wrong," Stern says. That's why it's smart to arm yourself with good conversation stoppers such as "I don't like where this conversation is going; let's talk about this another time."
Not sure if you're being gaslighted? You can get a reality check by talking to a third party you've known and trusted for a long time -- ask him or her to help you distinguish truth from distortion, Stern advises. It also can help to write in a journal about your interactions with the gaslighter and the feelings those encounters engender. The goal is to "get back into the practice of defining your own reality," Stern says. "Focus on your feelings instead of who's right or wrong. And be compassionate toward yourself -- it's okay to have your feelings or to need more social support or not to want this relationship."
If taking these steps doesn't help sufficiently or if you want help deciding whether or not to "eliminate the toxic relationship, consider getting professional help," Ferretti advises. A psychologist or other kind of mental health professional is typically the best choice if you're in this situation. Think of it as one of the kindest things you can do to take care of yourself.
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